fear.

As a preface, it has been months since I have unveiled my heart VIA the mighty pen (or at least the mighty digital keyboard), so bear with me if I use far too many words.

In the past few months, God has been taking me on such a journey. I know, I know. Immediately you rolled your eyes and began stalking on Facebook again due to the stench of cliche in that statement. But listen to me; I did not want to go on this journey.

For years I have searched the depths of my soul to find peace. I had heard countless times that it could not be found apart from God, so I joined the K-LOVE bandwagon and filled my life with anything and everything with a JESUS branding. For some reason, it didn't work.

Alright. Next step: I began to avoid being a typical Christian like the plague. So I stepped foot in bars, smoked a few cigars and began being "myself." (which meant that cursing was now a very viable option.) I tried to butter Jesus in as topping in my life hoping that people would like the way their toast tasted better. Again, it did not work.

I was afraid. But fear is exactly what I needed.

God began taking me on a journey into the depths of my heart. The things that I found disgusted me. I began to see that the evil in my life preceded my birth. I was as creature of fear. A creature afraid of man.

I wrestled, kicked and screamed any which way I could refusing to believe that a loving God could expect me to love Him back when He instilled fear in me. But then He poked a thought in my brain two nights ago. "Remember that movie Taken?" I know. I'm crazy, but I think I finally see the heart behind fearing God.

I'm sure due the fact that it was a sweet movie, and that Liam Neeson is a bossman; many of you have seen the movie, so I will keep it short. Basically, an ex special forces spy finds out his daughter is kidnapped, and against all odds, with a reckless abandon, he pursued the life of his daughter until he had her resting safely in his arms.

God is that passionate about His glory. He is that passionate about us. He is that passionate about bringing life and slaying sin. Honestly, I would not want to find myself an enemy of Liam Neeson's character in the movie, so in perspective, if God is endlessly more powerful, why aren't we afraid of being His enemy? Colossians 1:21 tells us that "Once you were alienated from God and were enemies in your minds because of your evil behavior." How much of that behavior do we still hold onto because we fear people instead of Him? Why do feel bad about sin but refuse to change? Maybe because we refuse to deal with sin as what it is: death.

I don't even need to end this with a clever punch line. Just do something for yourself and stop justifying the things that you do. Start dealing with the sin that you have.

desensitized.

America: land of the free, home of the brave.

Pfft. What a joke. I can't even sing the national anthem without feeling like a liar or changing phrases of the song to be more accurate---it sucks, really.

I mean, what great ideas: freedom, exploration, adventure, experimentation, democracy. People laid down their lives with a reckless abandon knowing that the results wouldn't come for years. And it worked; America revolutionized the world, but now? eh....

I don't see that same excitement in America today. I could be blind or just completely naive, but what I seem to see is spoiled brats, and what I seem to hear are their mouths flapping and complaining about how boring and unimportant their lives are.

The American Dream sucks. I mean it literally is the biggest pile of trash ever. It sucks because there is such good intention and emphasis on wonderful things like education, marriage and work, but an entitlement to those things is bred into this generation like never before. People seriously think that the world was created for them. No, literally---just for them. I can't tell you how many times I've heard and fallen victim to thinking things like "man, it's Friday night, and I'm at home?" or "ugh, we're having Little Ceasar's pizza?" "My iPod is broken!"

Boo. Hoo. Tear. Cry. Unsmiley face.

We're so desensitized as Americans in this industrial generation.
We drive cars---yes, that's right. You drive at least 70 mph almost every day in a hand-crafted pile of metal that runs on gasoline. You probably don't grow any of your food. And yes, that means that countries from around the world ship products to your local grocery store. It's true that satellite TV requires your receiver to go to space to gain a signal. And most cell-phones can do a thousand times more than a computer with windows 98 installed on it.

He might explain it better: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8r1CZTLk-Gk

He's right. Your life is amazing. There are so many things that are completely mind blowing in every facet of life, but we often fail to see them. Don't complain your way through life hoping that something will eventually change. Opportunity knocks at your doorstep every day:

invite it in.

heart.

If there is one thing I have a hard time with, it is obedience.

It's not that I don't see value in obeying. Nor is it the fact that I may disagree with what is being presented to me. I simply despise force. The words must, should, have to, need to, will or shall become enough to send me into a rage of fury when combined with the simple word "do."

I know why. It's my heart. It's a beautiful flower surrounded by weeds that choke the life out if it. It's a fresh water spring next to a sewage plant. It's a Taco Bell surrounded by burger joints.

And my heart is new because of Christ. His Spirit grows me and plants desires that confuse my sin nature because they actually make sense.

So on one hand, I struggle with being obedient because of my sin nature, and on the other hand, I am frustrated with methods that seek behavioral change but lack heart. Does it really matter if you serve your neighbor as an advertisement that states "I'm awesome because I'll serve you"? Have you decided to quit something about... let's see here: fifty times? How's that diet working out for you? That's what I thought. Stop replacing sin for sin and look at your heart.

Do you have deep desires? For marriage. For children. For music. For business. For ministry. For purpose. For revival. For wisdom. For Jesus; I know that I do---but He gave me a purity in those desires as I began to delight in Him (Psalm 37:4).

I don't want the typical white-picket fence. I don't want two spoiled kids and a golden retriever. I don't want to retire and "enjoy my final years." I'm still going to suck at golf when I'm sixty. I literally want to work until it kills me. I want to give this life all that I've got. I want to be hell bent on heaven.

What I want, is a pure life. I want a life that has meaning. I want to sincerely love God and others with a faithful, self-sacrificial, patient, pure heart. Could I have said that five years ago?

Hell no. Do I struggle daily? You bet.

But scripture tells me where that life will flow from: my heart. Life is like a river and my heart is the path that makes it flow, (Proverbs 4:23) so I must examine it constantly.

Do you check your gas gauge and ensure that it has enough juice for you to proceed to your next destination? Yeah, maybe you're broke, or there doesn't seem to be any gas stations in sight, but you still look every time, don't you? Admit it. You are always calculating how much money you're spending and will beg for money to maintain your lifestyle.

So, are you going to look at your heart, meditate on the price that it cost Christ to purchase you and accept his grace to regenerate your heart to revitalize your heart?

Yeah. You should think about it.

"pass the gavel, please."

Ah, there is nothing more satisfying than the thunder that reigns down as justice is served. And if the earthquake that splits apart the floor as the gavel is smashed down isn't enough action for you, than you are truly a justice hater. That's right... na na na na boo boo, you justice hater.

Justice.

Hmm, that doesn't seem like a word to get very razzed up about these days. How about words like "government" or "sex?" Those tend to be hot topics.

But what exactly is justice? Does it dress up in spandex, save the world and make for mindless yet rather entertaining television? Is it when Chinese people ask for "just ice?" I know! It's when something is lawful! Maybe. But it's more than that.

Justice is about righteousness, but that's a messy topic, so let's keep it basic: in short, justice is getting what you had coming. By the way, I know that you're amazing just like me and we both have a huge inheritance coming simply because we deserve it. Right? Righttttt.

Alright, let's cut the crap. If you truly search the heart of your character, your motives, your intentions, the things that you think, say and do---you pretty much fail... epically. Basically, justice would be forced to beat your face in---Mike Tyson style (yes, even your ears are in danger).

So, why is it SO easy to play the judge?

It's sort of amazing to think that you have to get a degree to be a judge; everyone that I've ever met seems to fit the criteria for the job fairly well---especially me. I'd like to think that I read people well, but when I claim to know someone's philosophy of life by simply assuming their intentions based on the way that they act, I set myself on a pedestal and worship: I worship me.

And why is it so easy to make our own religion based upon our preferences, feelings and philosophies on principles of life? We complain about being alone yet often fail to embrace others.

We reject the unfamiliar. We despise the uncomfortable. We shun difference.

Every day I battle a desire to simply love people. But I get pissed, annoyed and flustered by something as small as an idea that is merely a contradiction to my own. I take things that aren't deservedly mine without a hint of gratitude and lust after things that are not for my heart to obtain.

It looks like the only just thing for me is... pain, suffering, death.

thank God for grace.

We could spend an eternity of bitterness and hate passing the gavel or start a revolution of life by choosing to love.

Take your pick.

a thousand miles to one.

As of late, I have been finding myself wanting to write: blog posts, lyrics, songs---you name it. I feel like there is a mass amount of original thought that needs to pour out of my massive brain, but then I realize that I am simply collaborating others' ideas with my tiny brain.

I am still growing out of that phase where I feel like I need to be someone, to be the best at everything I do, to self express in anticipation of feedback... you know: self worship. Let's not even beat around the bush. I'm sure that a great deal of my motives and passions were birthed from youthful zeal, but most of them have been rather pointless and have led me to breed quite an attitude of false value and pride.

Another thing I've been learning is the difference of true love rather than love as simply a feeling/emotion. It is so easy to make decisions based upon the way something makes us feel, a personal preference or a faint dream of false hope that will lead us to that thing which will eventually satisfy us. Have you been completely satisfied with your significant other, family members, career, hobbies, title, talents, abilities, etc.? Those things are sweet, but be honest: are they completely perfect? I didn't think so.

A pretty good model of love: it's Christ---he sacrifices, He is faithful, He is merciful, He is forgiving, He is worthy of all praise but humble, He loves men and women as they are, He is patient, He is a leader, He is diplomatic, He is compassionate. Wait, you don't know anybody like that?

This song was written to accurately portray love in its' depth aside from what society or our fleshly human nature likes to tell us. It begs the question: are you willing to walk a thousand miles for someone who would only walk one for you?---that, I believe, is true love.

A Thousand Miles To One

If I painted a picture,
a portrait of empty feeling
would you wonder: what is love?

And if warm summer days
bring both harvest and decay
would it make you wonder: what is love?

Because emotion wanders
like a fleeting wind
until it finds a place
to rest its' weary smile
And as comfort fades
from these old, familiar days
will you stop and wonder: where is love?

Any why is it so hard to find?
without selfish ambition
And by what terms is it defined?
or is it simply a label?

Love is real when it is given
with no hope of a return
Love is eyes for the blinded heart
that's burdened and undone
Love's a two-way street
and it's the one that's far less traveled by
And sometimes the path to life
can be a thousand miles to one.

And if you follow your heart
as you chase your dreams
and you're left feeling empty:
will you question love then?

And as hope starts to fade
will you give or will you take
So is your sacrifice in vain?
or is it love?

Because it's easier to choose
the path that leads to happy endings
But when the road is suffering
who will persevere?
to find love.

Love is full of hope
even from unlikely to uncertain
Love is full of pain
when its' sacrifice is forgotten
Love will wait
for those who find it hard
to take that leap of faith
and start those few steps that become
a thousand miles to one.

Oak's rap:
If love meant that you had to walk a thousand miles
would you walk it or would you despise it in its' distance?
would you take one step in my direction
or stay in your bubble
locked and full of self interest?
would you attempt this journey
of a sacrificial life style or get fatigued
and turn from its mission?
or make a decision to pour out your life for another
whose in need of grace and forgiveness
what's a thousand compared to one step?
there's many in the sand footprints the Son left
the Son left heaven
I hope you feel this Dude

who would choose sinners, dude?
my feet are minuscule
if I look to fill His shoes
A love that is perfect
it don't increase or diminish
it's not of this earth,
it's from above
and was needed for expression
to answer the question that everybody has: what is love?

reality.

Let's face it: as human beings, we love comfort.

In relationships---one finds comfort. In safety---one finds comfort. In ease---ones finds comfort. In a job well done---one finds comfort. In truth---one finds comfort. In warmth---one finds comfort. In a gentle touch---one finds comfort. And if one is truly to be honest with himself, he can spend moment upon moment dreaming of future comforts and how he will attain them and be satisfied.

But what kind of life is that? I spent my time on this earth pursuing... that's right: comfort.

Lame. Stupid. Pathetic.

You see, I am a huge fan of reality. I realize that I don't have a chance with Carrie Underwood. I'm not going to be the next Pele. I won't be considered as one of the best guitarists of my generation. I am not the worlds greatest coach or teacher. Not everything that I cook is going to taste great. But if my value doesn't lie in the comforts I could potentially receive from these things, I've missed nothing at all.

You know what's comforting? Grace. Freedom. Purpose.

Here's the thing: it is so incredibly refreshing to not be needed, to be a vessel of opportunity, to be given second chances, to be a project, to need help and to be loved with an everlasting love.

I've received these beautiful things by faith. I bring nothing to the table. In fact, I feel like I screw things up most of the time.

But Faith is so delicate. God could literally walk up to me, hand me a map and sometimes I feel like my response would be "pfft, this is bs... I have to search?" It can be so easy to feel like you're playing a "one-sided" relationship with God. "God, why don't you answer me!"

Seriously?

I think it's because we love reality. We want something tangible---but guess what? God loves reality too. Remember how your not floating away like a fricking balloon because of gravity. Did you forget that the sun does a lot more than just shed light onto the earth? Are the nutrients in your food not sustaining to you? You're right, I guess it's not really that impressive that God created everything around you and holds them together---man, He should probably get on top of things, eh?

It is so easy for me to play a doubting Thomas. I like to look back at those who doubted Jesus after He told them he would be raised after three days and laugh---as if I wouldn't have done the same thing. He fulfills prophecy after prophecy, he answers prayer after prayer, yet it isn't enough for me:

"¹⁶Then the eleven disciples went to Galilee, to the mountain where Jesus had told them to go. ¹⁷When they saw him, they worshiped him; but some doubted. "

We have two choices: doubt Him and live an empty life pursuing passing comforts, or worship Him by faith. Not a feeling of faith but true zealous action that longs to see Christ personified through "faith to faith" as Romans says.

Yeah, we're only human. I understand the doubt---I even see a need for it many times. Faith is a battle. It's hard to believe in the unseen, but that is exactly why God shows Himself.

Look for Him.

backwards.

I seem to do everything backwards. I read lists from the bottom up. I like to stay up till five and wake up at noon. I like to use my left hand for things because it's harder. I try to teach myself things before using any type of consultant.

Am I stubborn? I think so. Am I original? Probably not.

But it has me thinking... How vast is our God?

People seem to fight over rights and wrongs all the time, but maybe there is a lot less right and wrong than we think.

Maybe if we truly opened our eyes to the gospel, it would become a pandora's box of personal liberty and enjoyment in a creator who intended such beautiful purpose for our lives... if we would just let Him---just simply trust Him to use us as He sees fit.

Think about it.